Guest post by Emily Hildebrand
Death and grief have a profound way of shaping the deepest places of the human soul,
sometimes in ways so embedded and entangled that it becomes difficult to even see or
articulate the caverns grief has formed.
What is buried deep eventually seeps out and starts to affect the lens by which we see
and feel everything else, and the death and grief that was buried deep begins to surface.
For myself, death and grief entered my story at the age of three. I watched my parents
bring a baby girl, Erin, into the world and then bury her ten weeks later.
Halfway through my mother’s pregnancy with my sister, my parents found out that
Erin had Trisomy 18. Some medical professionals encouraged my parents to terminate the
pregnancy, and even after my sister was born one doctor suggested not feeding Erin since
she would eventually die.
In the eyes of some, Erin’s life was meaningless because it was imperfect and defective. But to my parents, her life had innate worth regardless of her prognosis or her days here on this Earth. My parents chose to do everything they could to care for Erin as best they could for however long God chose to keep her in their care.
Erin required a feeding tube and lots of special care, but my family was blessed to have Erin with us for ten weeks before she passed away.
This tragedy early in my life was a defining experience that shaped me in ways I did not even realize until well into my adult years. I recognized from a young age how I had seen firsthand the value of life and the importance of choosing life no matter the circumstances.
It was evident that my parents had been able to use their story and grief to help comfort others. But what I didn’t see were all the ways that this loss had deeply formed my view of God and suffering.
A few months ago, I lost an incredible godly friend. This sweet friend was young and had battled cancer for years. As the end of her earthly days drew near, a piece of my
buried soul came out one tearful night as I spilled out my grief to my husband.
As a believer, I fully believe in a God who heals, but deep within my soul I felt such disappointment. I expressed to my husband my belief in God’s ability to heal, but I felt the lack of seeing God actually heal firsthand in my own life and great disappointment from asking only to seemingly be let down. Tearful words and thoughts spilled out from such a deep place; beliefs so deep that I didn’t even know I had been carrying them.
As a three-year-old I had fiercely prayed for my sister to be healed. I do not have memories of this, but my mother has recounted them for me. I believed that God would heal my sister, but His plan was different and she wasn’t healed on this Earth the way I had asked. So, unbeknownst to me, somewhere along the way I formed the belief that God takes away the things I love. And yes, God can heal, but He seems to choose not to. My life held so much fear, and the more I loved someone or something, the more I feared that God would strip it away.
Even so, in His immense kindness, God began to reveal and shed so many layers of my heart through counseling and my personal growth in Him and His Word. I began to see so many things that I would never have expressed that I believed, beliefs buried deep within my own experiences of grief and fear.
So here I am, at almost thirty years old, and I am beginning to scratch the surface of God’s amazing goodness and the freedom that comes from knowing Him more and learning to trust in His ways. I do not have answers for my sister’s short life here on Earth, nor do I understand why some amazing godly people are not healed this side of heaven. But this I do know and trust deep within my soul: I serve a God who never wastes my suffering.
My Savior sees a picture far beyond my own vision. He is not waiting to strip away what I love, but He actually delights in giving good gifts. He may not heal the way that I want here, but one day He will bind up every wound and rid all disease. I will ask for His healing but ultimately trust in His good plans.
Human life is valuable because an incredible Creator intricately designs every life by writing His very image on each life. No matter the defect that human eyes may see, all life has worth and quality because the Creator says the creature He has crafted is worthwhile and made for a divine purpose.
I serve a God who makes no mistakes and never fails whether a life lasts one day or one hundred years. Yes, I will feel the sting of disappointment because sin has marred this world and everything within it. The sting of people not being healed is real. Our suffering is hard and painful, but death and trials are not the end for the life of the believer.
My emotions may feel disappointed by God, but my soul will cling to the truth that He will
never disappoint me because He cannot fail me. How merciful is He to work all things, lovely and devastating, to make me more like His Son and bring about the glory of His kingdom. This life will often bring unexpected hardship, and sometimes unexpected joys, but let us not miss that the God of the universe is intimately present in it all because He lovingly draws near to His people.
Erin’s short life is a beautiful legacy that I know has worth and purpose. I cannot see the full picture of the story, but I trust the One who authors the story, and I cannot express enough my gratitude to the Lord for the ways that He has used my loss and grief to help me more
deeply know the love and heart of my Savior.
He is so kind and infinitely good. He suffers alongside us and His heart is for us.
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Emily Hildebrand is first and foremost a follower of Jesus Christ, as well as, a pastor’s wife and a homeschool mom to three beautiful daughters. She resides in Altoona, Pennsylvania with her family. She loves to be with family and friends, serve in ministry, go on adventures, drink good coffee, bake sourdough bread, and pick flowers. Her greatest joy is growing in Jesus and helping others do the same.
[Emily Hildebrand is my granddaughter-in-law and is responsible, in part, for me being a great-grandmother.]
